A Formal Apology
By this morning, if all went according to plan the day before, I will officially be a married woman. This is happy news for me, but for some it is a sad day. That said, I would like to issue a sincere apology to all the guys* that I ever had a crush on.**
Donnie Wahlberg (who turned out to be too tough for me, so I replaced you with…)
Jonathan Knight (Way safer.)
Bobby Leslie of “The Guys Next Door” (a name I only remember because I once proclaimed from my elementary school bathroom that Bobby was a Blue-eyed Blond-haired Babe.)
Andrew N. (I wrote in my diary that I had a “curse” on you, but I’m pretty sure I meant crush. If not, I’d like to also apologize for putting a curse on you.)
Marc Worden of the Mickey Mouse Club (Because you had the deepest voice of anyone on the show.)
Mark Paul Gosselaar (How I loved you, even into the College Years. Thanks for doing that episode of Weeds when you bang Mary Louise Parker. I’ve only seen screenshots, but I’m sure the whole thing was actually mega awesome.)
Jonathan Brandis (The only reason to watch Seaquest.)
Aaron Lohr (You stole my heart in D2: The Might Ducks with your Bash Brothers ways. I came back for more when you did that Vh1 TV Movie about the Monkees.)
Jonathan Taylor Thomas (I watched every syndicated episode of Home Improvement. Every. One.)
Devon Sawa (Even though Casper made me cry.)
Jeff Ament from Pearl Jam (because my mom called dibs on Eddie Veddar.)
That Tall Guy in Middle School Who Was Definitely On Drugs
Brady F. (I asked you out in 7th Grade and you said you weren’t interested in a relationship at that time. You were dating some preppy girl by the following week. I didn’t ask out another guy until I was 19.)
Neil L. (You dressed in drag, yet I did not give up hope.)
Leonardo DiCaprio (Good Lord, you were once so pretty. We broke up when your face deflated.)
The Kid My Friends and I called “C.F.” for “Cute Freshman”
Andy R. (So short, so adorable. Now you know why I put on extra lipstick when we kissed in the summer musical. You were being marked—not that it worked.)
Ethan Embry (The adorablest.)
Justin Timberlake (Initially because you looked exactly like Andy R. Then when you released a solo album and proved to actually be pretty damn talented, I congratulated myself on my tastes.)
Noah Bastian from 2Ge+her (A little boy band parody goes a long way.)
Jason Schwartzman (We met twice, you know. I have photographic evidence. The second time you complained about feeling chubby and I was completely awful and pinched your spare tire. That was the worst thing I could have possibly done. You became a vegan later that same year. Also, a crush credit can be given to all the other members of Phantom Planet except for Darren. Sorry.)
That Guy Who Kind of Looked Like a Toad That Lived On My Floor Freshman Year Until He Dropped Out (You liked Badly Drawn Boy. I blogged the world’s lamest opus to you when you left.)
Steven Also From My Floor (That band you were in was terrible.)
Aubrey The Guy That Wore Pink Shirts and Ties (I may have memorized your class schedule, although I can’t even say how I got that information. Creepy.)
Apolo Ohno (Let’s be real—I get a little over-excited when the Olympics are on.)
Adam Brody (The embodiment of all my college desires.)
Hassan H. (You and your tragic big nose. I tried to turn a study date into something else, and you ceased speaking to me afterwards. Thank God your drunken friends decided to prank call me at 2am and sing something about “pork and brew” in Scottish accents.)
That Super Tall Guy That Looked Like Sam From Phantom Planet (You had terrible style but made up for it with dark eyes and sensitivity.)
That Guy from Friendster but Not The One I Would Eventually Marry (We never met, but had some good back-and-forth. Then I became a weirdo and you an asshole. So it goes.)
That Guy with the Scottish Name in One of My Writing Classes (I remember nothing else about you.)
Ryan with the Ripped Jeans (I watched the hole at your knee get larger and larger all semester long.)
A Few of the Guys in The Stills (But then your 2nd album sucked.)
…and most of all, I apologize to you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, officially my longest-standing crush of all time. May you one day find the strength to make another squeezy-eyed smile and reflect on our good times. Think not of the brief period during the release of 10 Things I Hate About You when I chose Heath Ledger over you, although I am sure that you do not blame me. I more than made up for it during Brick.
*The names I can remember have been abbreviated to protect the seemingly innocent.
**It should be noted that not a single person on this list reciprocated my genuine (although at times, unhinged) affection. I cannot imagine what it’s like to live with such regret, fellas.
